Like a Runaway

I wish thinking of you made me happy like I pretend it used to.
And I wish it wasn’t feeling the pain in my heart that makes me feel alive.
I want to remember the times when I didn’t simply pass through the days.
And I want to be able to stop living like a drifter or like a runaway.
I used to want to just put all my money in my pocket and get away,
But now I just want to wrap my hand around something real.

I would like more than anything to just live and love and let it be enough
But I know it’s not, it’s not; it’s not satisfying me. I feel too empty.
I just want some certainty – I want to know some things are absolute truth
And I want some stability – I want to know what the future holds
I could do with clarity – I’ve always wanted to know what I want.
I need some answers; I could do with some goddamned meaning.

And I want to get rid of all these feelings that I have about you and everyone
I want to stop feeling like I am going to be sick, and I want to stop feeling
Like I don’t know if I should laugh or cry, and I don’t want to feel like I am dying
Whenever I kiss someone, and I don’t want to put you under a magnifier
It’s not funny, it’s not happy, it’s not tragic, it’s sincere, it’s laughing because it’s so sad.
It’s not love, it’s not regret, it’s pathetic, it’s the truth, it’s crying because it’s not funny.

Come on baby, laugh with me. Well, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
This is what we may call irony or coincidence or just a run of bad luck.
This is the thing I forgot to remember or remembered to forget
This is the final shred of evidence that convicts me and breaks my heart
These are the wages of honesty, of daring to think I could tell your truths
It’s what I get for hoping I could be honest enough for both of us.

Thinking back now all I can remember is the falsities of imagination
Thinking about you and me and “we” and what that could have been.
“The past is past” is the moral of this story, don’t dwell on before
But I was tired of being so sad all the time, I was ready to be happy.
But by that time it was all too late, and your bags were piled in the car.
So I thought that maybe if I stopped caring time would lose its meaning.

I hate how I can only appreciate these little pieces of sorrow.
I’ll listen to another sad song from another sad singer.
Because you know, I always thought tragedy sounded better,
And happiness always seemed so insincere.
It’s foolish of me to think sadness is the only true emotion
But it’s been so long that it’s the only one I can remember.

So love, let’s live like runaways. Let’s just get our money and get away.
Being alone isn’t so bad if you can find a way to be alone together.
And this time we’ll do it right, we’ll let there be no mystery
This time you’ll understand and you’ll show me that and this time
I won’t be so afraid, there will be nothing to hide or avoid
And we’ll bask in the truth, the truth, the freedom our truth brings

And you’ll laugh it up with me love, well, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
If you can’t laugh at yourself who can you laugh at?
I always thought you were so much like a suicide
Well come on baby, you were always my favorite way to die
And I promise you I won’t let it hurt too bad, it’s not too late
Don’t you know there are so many better ways to die?
Ha ha ha, goddamn. There was no better way to die.